Fused Flaps

If you haven’t read the drama as it unfolds it might be better to start reading here or you might not want to read it at all, I certainly wouldn’t.

Hey, it’s 5 am.  Actually I woke up at 2:30 which is way too damn early.  When this happens I usually read or fuck around on Facebook, I’ve done that and now I’m writing this, fully aware that the topic is very dull.  So I’ll tell you what caused me to wake so early today. Don’t feel bad if you seek out more interesting reading about now, I certainly understand.

If you’re still here lets begin. I have this rare heart valve problem called rheumatic mitral valve stenosis and sometimes the symptoms wake me up.  At some point in my life I had rheumatic fever or just a fever so high that it damaged my valve.  The stenosis is a narrowing of the valve which essentially means the flaps have partially fused together. I have symptoms but my heart is sort of OK otherwise and I’ve been visiting the cardiologist since it was diagnosed.  He was agog that I had this problem, apparently it’s not seen much anymore, I suppose medical science has improved and it’s easier to break high fevers or there’s some super antibiotic, or maybe there’s a vaccine for rheumatic fever, I could find out but I just don’t care enough. If you really want to know you’ll have to research that for yourself. For the first couple of years when I was in for my appointment he would grab any of the medical personnel around and say, “look at this, you just don’t see this anymore”.  He’s only had one other case of it in 25 years.  I sound like an old lady discussing all my ailments trying to one-up her friends, but I’m not going to stop.  So the stenosis constricts the blood flow into my lungs making it difficult to push the fluid out of my body – which is virtually congestive heart failure. I take a drug that makes you pee a lot and it helps in pushing the fluid off.  So sometimes if it hasn’t done it’s job I wake up with a lot of fluid in my lungs, gurgling, having a difficult time breathing, and coughing. I had a mild case of this gurgly-coughy condition which woke me up. The remedy for the gurgly-coughy thing is to take the pee drug and wait for it to work.  I end up reading or fucking around on facebook or like now writing this sad tale of woe as I wait to pee 100 times.  Generally, it’s managed pretty well by the drug but if I eat salty food (thanks a lot Tostitos at 11:pm) it can’t take care of the load. So, if I don’t do stupid shit like eating a bunch of salty food it doesn’t happen that often. There are other situations that cause these symptoms but how much more of this agony can you take?

Which circles around to depression once again, I’m an emotional eater, I eat when I’m sad, I eat when I’m happy, food is my reward for an achievement or to comfort me when I’m down. Basically, I can eat all the fucking time. There are some animals that can eat themselves literally to death, luckily, I haven’t reached that stage of idiocy yet. Or you can take too big of serving as the  python that ate the crocodile and then exploded. I’m doing similar things only it’s going to be a long and pitiful death, exploding sounds like a better option.  Maybe there’s some emotional hole I’m trying to fill, blah, blah, blah.  The therapist I have now, said “maybe that’s not your problem and there are certainly other problems more pressing”. Thank God, I don’t want to search my feelings and discover that Darth Vader is my father. I know the right food choices to make, I’ve studied it for years.  I used to have periods when I could keep it at bay, my will was stronger, and I was much smaller.  I suspect now that those periods were times that my depression was less severe. To get to the point, depression makes you not give a shit and zaps any energy you have to do anything, much less make an effort to make the right food choices. A DingDong is a tastier snack than an apple on any given day (in my opinion) but if I’m in my right mind I can choose the apple and be perfectly happy. Plus if you eat right the DingDongs begin to get less appealing. But if you start on the junk food road you’re like an alcoholic or drug addict. You easily slip back into it and go on a bender.  I’ve been on a 20 year bender. This goes up and down along with the emotional rollercoaster you’re on when the fucking dark cloud of doom sucks you in. I truly believe there are a lot of people out there with weight issues that have corresponding mental issues, although that’s probably not news to anyone.

I wish I could be more amusing, many of the other blogs about depression are hilarious.  I just haven’t been feeling the fun. I believe this isn’t really a problem though, this blog got 2 hits yesterday so I’m safe from boring anyone to death.

Here’s an image from another cat book you can buy. Downton Tabby

downtontabbyfinalbansm

This is another bonanza of ridiculousness.

Advertisements

An OK day

Hey there. So today I’m feeling pretty good – getting shit done.  The dark cloud is pretty high today and it’s transmissions are weak.  Keeping busy does have something to do with it but when it’s low being productive is like climbing a mountain.  I’m doing laundry which kind of sucks but it is productive.

Having a start date has resigned me to my fate. It will be good to be around people and making some money is better than making no money.  I can’t help hoping that the interview goes well and I’ll get an offer – a reprieve from the job I’d like to avoid. But, whatever, all will be OK.  Now see, that’s just the attitude that is completely squashed when the dark cloud of doom descends.  If you were thinking rationally it would be easier to recognize that the situation may not be optimum but that you can get through it and eventually make it better. Unfortunately when the depression cloud gets you it’s impossible to make those connections. I wish there were warning signs for when a bout of depression is going to hit you. You could get prepared, get all your tools ready, make notes, have a plan of action. That doesn’t happen so you’re rolling along and it hits you when you are unprepared. I tend to cry a lot for no reason when it happens which bugs me to no end.  I hate crying and I hate for anyone to see me crying. I have an anxiety drug to take which will level me out and end the incessant crying which is a good thing.  I have to keep it on me most of the time because I never know when it might start.  It sucks to be at a job or out and about and have that shit start up. I get that weirdo uncontrollable lip twitching thing happening and I’m using all my effort to squelch the crying. Usually I end up with tears running down my face because it’s almost impossible not to cry after that lip twitching starts.

That’s it for today – not very interesting but maybe next time there will be more drama. Yesterday I found a cat bonanza!  I found the source for a couple of the images I’ve posted.  Apparently Cat High is a real book done in the 80’s without the use of photoshop.  That makes it so much more cool – this dude put an incredible amount of work into it.  Anyway, here’s one.

Cat-High_p11

Order your copy today!

Bitchiness usually has an underlying reason

I’ve had a good morning so far although it’s only 10:30 who knows might happen.  I see my therapist today so I can relay the crazy periods to her and we can figure out what can be done to counteract them.  Sometimes it’s just a personal cheerleading session which I must admit, I really need from time to time.  Most of the time I can make her laugh which is always good therapy for me.  The last couple of times I’ve gone I’ve just been cranky since the job offer was not what I was hoping.  After 10 months of serious job hunting, high anxiety,  fighting through some unpleasant realizations about myself and sometimes thinking “I’m old, why the fuck keep trying at this” I really wanted and needed a better outcome. Well, I should be happy I got any offer, it’s money isn’t it, who cares if I know it will be a soul sucking job, I can really work on being content wherever I am, I can keep looking for something better. I’ve heard this from several well meaning people. Well dammit, I know all this is true when I use my rational mind.  I know it’s just a pitstop and I can change it. I know that I can keep looking for something that will be more rewarding. The thing is, motherfucker, I wanted it to be better NOW! Shit has been hard the last few years and I just wanted a break.  I wanted to end up with something I really wanted, something that might help me advance in the future, or maybe good enough that it didn’t shrink my soul. Yes it was good news, however it was a gigantic disappointment. GIGANTIC!  So the dark cloud descended and I was cranky and unable to see the good over the bad. Just keeping the general feeling of the shitty status quo. I probably don’t deserve better.  Some people thought I was being a selfish baby, or thinking that I believe I’m entitled to something better, extremely negative, or that I’m just an ungrateful whiny bitch. No, I was just disappointed and it damaged my calm.  Sure I bitchy about it. Other people understood all these feelings so when they said the same things it didn’t irritate the shit out of me because I know that they know how I feel. I am feeling better now or maybe I’m just resigned to my fate. I have had a promising phone interview so maybe something will come of that. Actually, since I still don’t have a start date it’s almost like I don’t have this mythical job.  Although, I’ve taken a break from sending out resumes – that’s going to have to change.

Man I just wrote an agonizing paragraph and I realized that I needed to change my profile picture to something other than me…I sound crazy and I want to remain incognito – I’ve probably missed some internet something so If you wanted to find out who I am it probably wouldn’t be that hard.  So unfortunately I forgot to save my draft so it’s all gone.  It’s a good thing I guess because it will give me something to talk about next time.

I did get a few phone calls and I have a start date for my job.  I guess I passed the background check and was clean from that birthday pot.  I also got called in for an interview for a job I really want. I want to be really positive about it but then I also don’t want to get my hopes too high.  If I don’t get the better job I’d like to avoid the crash and burn. I’m going to be positive yet detached…is that possible.

Well, here’s your cat

Meow or Never

New Wave Laser Cats should be a real movie.   New wave laser cats: meow or never –NeatoShop.

Rollercoaster

Yesterday was a better day. I felt more positive and I feel pretty good now.  The fact that my emotions go up and down so much you’d think that I’d be bi-polar or manic but I have it on good authority that I’m not.  My emotional problems seem pretty bad to me.  I feel sorry for anyone who has it worse.  I can’t imagine how these people get through the damn day. I still feel the cloud of despair but it’s way up high, it’s still sending some “you’re a big ass failure” messages but I’m able to shove ’em away.  One of the mindfulness techniques I’ve been taught was to imagine yourself somewhere that made you happy and see your bad thoughts and worries flying away like balloons or butterflies. It sounds like hokey bullshit and I’m really not a balloons and butterflies gal. I did it though, I imagined a T-Rex eating my bad thoughts which made it a little more fun. I enjoyed seeing them try to catch the bad thoughts with their tiny arms.  Anyway, this was reduced down to “chomp chomp” which I now think when a stray bad thought comes along. This and “the past is the past and I accept it” are my most useful tools so far. Unfortunately when the depression demon cloud is right on top of me those techniques can fly right out the window. They have taken root enough that lately they’ve been coming out to help me when a meltdown occurs but it’s usually after I’ve gone way down.  It would be nice for them to pop in before the meltdown takes hold. On a day where I’m strong they keep the black cloud of doom from descending down and pelting bird shit on my parade.

I have a phone interview today for a job I would like much better than the one I’m waiting to start.  I usually do pretty good on phone interviews but then bomb on the face to face interviews.  I don’t know if it’s just anxiety or I make the shittiest first impression in the world.  I’m a big person – how’s that for a PC term. Now in my mind I refer to myself as all the hurtful things I’ve been called over the years – and others I’ve heard from media and such.  Lardass is the one I use most frequently because it does makes me laugh a little. But it’s only OK for me to use it, if it comes from someone else it’s very hurtful.  Because of that I understand the PC thing but I also understand that at times unPC can be funny.  I’m torn between the hurtful and funny. Many comedians say “you’ve gotta go for the laugh”. Sometimes I do but I really hate it when it’s directed at me personally. There was a billboard for a gym in LA that showed aliens attacking or something like that and it said “don’t worry, they’ll eat the fat people first”.  I though that was hilarious but there was a big stink about it. I guess it’s not much different as saying they’ll eat the black people first, or hispanics, asians, etc.  Those would not be funny to me. Well, I digress. I was talking about my shitty first impression, I think some of those impressions were due to my size, certainly not all of them.  It really irritates me because any job interview I’ve had face to face I knew I could do the job – hell none of them have required rocket science. I’ve always wondered after, hey I could obviously do that job…does this mean that they don’t like ME!  How can they not like me, I’m fucking hilarious, I’m a constant fucking delight! I generally feel that way about myself which is bizarre because I have so many self-esteem issues. The real truth is sometimes I’m funny and a delight to be around yet other times I’m the Holy Mother fuckity shit bitch or Calamity Jane. I suspect that behavior comes from this controlling my emotions problem. It may be hard to believe but I’m shy when I’m meeting new people so a face to face interview is like having the door slammed shut on the iron maiden. Those spikes just gut me. The worst is when you have to be interviewed by a group, that is inhumane.  All of this pressure turns my brain into a lighting storm.  Coherent thoughts have a hard time making it to my mouth, I’m sure I have spewed out nonsense. So this ends my life with depression/cat fun post for today.  Here’s your cat.

cats water skiing

anthropomorphic cats are also fucking hilarious

Meltdown

In a discussion with a friend I was trying to explain depression – or how my depression effects me.  I found it annoying that I couldn’t place a name to my particular situation. According to my therapist I’ve got no syndrome or disorder other than depression. So my response was “lets name it the fuckall syndrome” because this fucker needs some kind of name that I toss out when I’m discussing it that makes it bona fide.  Then she said “You have trouble controlling your emotions” well fuck, I’ve had that my entire life. No wonder it’s been a miasma of misery. I do know that the depression and inability to control my emotions has gotten much worse in the last 10 years.  Looking back that emotion thing has caused severe problems in relationships with everyone I know (except my beautiful Mother who I miss every day.) I’m really a fun person to be around or I wouldn’t have the friends I have. Actually I have to revise that, when I was younger I made incredibly close friends that love me unconditionally and will put up with my emotional bag of bullshit. I was much more fun to be around in those days. I also have friends that love me but as I’ve gotten more withdrawn and crazy those relationships dry up, crack, and flake away.  I think one day I’ll be able to revive them but it will require the energy to do it. Occasionally I made a huge donkey of myself and what seemed to be unconditional love turns to conditional love.  That is the hardest, when that relationship has been a calming influence and then you feel you have to be on your best behavior.  That is exhausting and misunderstandings hurt much more.  Mainly because you don’t know when the conditional thing is going to cross over the edge and you are going to be discarded to the old friend heap. I understand it, who wants to have someone in their life that brings you down, bores you to death, or damages your calm. I get that but I hate it that my screwed up brain and emotions make me behave like an unpleasant jackass that won’t stop kicking the shit out of myself or other people. Generally I’m a direct person, I don’t like circling around the issue – just get to the point. People have described it as blunt, telling like it is, bitchy, blah, blah. That has gotten me fired numerous times. I’ve got to remake myself at this new job, which I’ve been working at this last year.  I can’t really test it until I actually get to work which is scary.  I’ll be testing it soon. I’ll try to keep an update going on my progress.  It’s dicey though because this depression/anxiety is really screwing with me.

My depression seems to come in waves. Unfortunately I’ve also got the anxiety to deal with as well.  I’ve been in a high state of anxiety that has grown exponentially worse as the months have passed by. I think it overshadowed my depression and it has made me jittery as a cat raised by a passive agressive with tourettes. I got a part time job at a marketing firm which paid well and I was very excited about it because that is an area I am very interested in getting into.  Not as fun as entertainment but still a creative environment and new things to learn. The day I was supposed to start the agency lost one of their major clients so I was no longer needed. It was like here’s a job, psyche – just foolin’ the cosmic forces just sunk my lifeboat (just a note – I would have made more money on that part time job than I will make on this new full time job – that’s a kick in the head). Like a rubber band stretched as far as it can, my anxiety snapped. I’ve explained it using the movie “Clue” as an example. A group of mysterious characters are locked in a house where multiple murders keep them screaming, panicked, and running around hysterically.  There’s a scene where the french maid is killed in the billiard room.  The characters walk in, look at her body, show no emotion at all then turn around and walk out. The therapist called that “detached” It is a good thing to become detached from your anxiety however the long term effect has left your psyche as if it were pounded consistently with a bag of hammers.

So I’ve gotten an offer – I can’t really call it a job because I haven’t been given a start date and there are factors that may cause it to be yanked away. I have been hoping that I would get a position that would pay me enough to cover my expenses with hopefully a little extra so I can get ahead. No such luck, it’s a little less than what it will take to cover my expenses so I’ve been searching for a part time job to go with the potential job I already have. I’m also looking for a better full time job so my job searching work has actually doubled. What the Fuck, what a shitty development!  Sorry for the bad language, a guy I worked with once told me I had the foulest mouth he’s ever heard in his life.  I’m sure it was a bummer to sit by me for almost 2 years.

So circling around to the point I had in mind…depression sort of hangs around like a gray cloud of doom.  You can feel it hovering above you. You don’t want to do anything, you don’t want to bathe, you can’t see the point of anything. It’s just waiting for an incident to completely envelope you and cause a breakdown, uncontrollable crying, a cascade of horribleness, the tapes of every sad, bad, awful things you’ve ever done or experienced. Waves of self pity, desire to run away, to hurt yourself or maybe someone else, to destroy inanimate objects, hatred, anger, disgust, rage, misery, schadenfruede, nastiness, and any other word that describes horror, terror, rage and abject fear. This is what happens when I have a meltdown but take all of that emotional shit and imagine it all happening at the same time.  I feel like my head is going to explode, I get hot, I can feel a physical sensation racing through my body.  I’m crying, my nose is running and I need to hide. I never understood why some people with mental issues cut themselves. Lately I’ve experienced meltdowns that have explained it all.  You want some kind of physical pain to distract you from the mental pain you are feeling.  I get it, I’ve thought about doing it.

I’ve learned some tools to use to help myself from going over the edge and causing real physical harm to myself. I need to increase my abilities to use these tools. They help me talk myself down to the point that I  remember that I also have medication that will help.  In the middle of the overwhelming stew of emotional trauma you can forget that you have anything at all that will help you. I’m lucky that I’ve been able to realize during these meltdowns that I do have tools and I can use them. So hey, that ends on a positive note, right?

Here’s some catscats, depression, anxiety

I hope it perks you up after that terrible tirade. Wow public school – there’s a subject that has a lot of bullshit to play with.

High Anxiety

5:30 am – not such a bad time to wake up – of course I went to bed a little late.  It would be good if I could easily wake up at 5:30 when I start my new job. Then I can do my workout before going to work (instead of not doing it at all.)  I’ve been fighting increased depression all week which seems silly since I’ve finally landed a job. I’m not that excited about it but at least I will finally get paid.  I’ve worked very hard the last five years but all I’ve done is spend money instead of making it. In 2011 I finished my last gig at an animation studio here and then I had to move to my hometown and take care of my Mother as she lost the battle to emphysema. Luckily, she had the money that I could take care of her and pay for help because I don’t think I could have done it alone.  That’s just part of the story.  My life has been shit for the last five years. Not that it was that great before but the last 5 years have been shit with raisins.

I’ve been battling high levels of depression and anxiety as opposed to the lower levels of depression and anxiety that I experienced before 2011. The process of losing my Mother was hard though I had many great people that rallied around me and helped me through it.  I was alone in making all the care decisions and I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I had already lost my Dad and my Sister so when Mom was gone I was left an orphan. Everybody goes through it at some time or another. If you still have your siblings or a family of your own I imagine it would be less terrifying but that was not the case with me. Ah, it’s terrifying for everyone I’m no special case except in my own mind.

I haven’t started the new job because of the pre-crap they have to do before I can start; A drug test, background test, paperwork approval at corporate, and a pint of blood for the head vampire. I took a few tokes of weed 2 weeks ago (don’t judge, it was my birthday and one of the 2 times a year I smoke pot.) Hope that shit is out of my system before I took the pee test. Anyway, the 10 month job search was a nightmare of anxiety as my money was running out.  I made some super bad decisions in the last two years.  One of my daily affirmations is “the past is the past, and I accept it”. This is supposed to teach  me to quit mentally kicking myself for being a complete moron. I’ve always thought daily affirmations were new age claptrap or silly like “Daily Affirmations with Jack Handy” and “gosh darn I love myself.”  Actually, that stupid shit does work as long as you keep saying it you kind of believe it. But, for the last year I’ve been flipping between high anxiety and depression and sometimes both.  A year of interviews and complete rejection wear you down.  This anxiety was not the fun Mel Brooks kind, I imagine my life as that homage to Hitchcock in “High Anxiety” running through the park with birds shitting all over me. And even when I take shelter there’s a hole in the roof and the shit is still pelting me in the head. I like to associate this mental crap to funny situations, it doesn’t make it any less severe but it makes the story better later.  I think of myself as the T-Rex, majestic, powerful, but with such tiny arms they’re useless.  I’m sure it didn’t cause a problem for the actual T-Rex because she didn’t need to take selfies or get something from a high cabinet. It just symbolizes having great potential but lacking the ability to pull the switch.  So, I have a new job, shitty pay, and 2 weeks to wait around before I start. Also, trying to figure out how I will make it financially and will I ever get ahead.  Obviously, I’m still looking for a job where I can actually use the more specialized knowledge I have – it would most likely have a much better pay scale. So ends the second rambling, self-involved blog post.  Honestly, no one will ever read it and they’d probably find more interest in the dumb cats anyway.

Faculty at Mr. Whiskers University
Faculty at Mr. Whiskers University

Man, I think this is funny.  I don’t know who did it but it looks like they spent a lot of time on it. If anyone knows who’s responsible for this let me know – I’d give them a shout out for sure.

Talking instead of cats, why not?

I’ve woken up about 4:30 – seems medication keeps me from getting a full eight hours of sleep. This early rise is also accompanied by a sneezing allergy attack.  Occasionally I can go back to sleep but most of the time I wake up with my mind racing about something or the other.  Like this morning (did I mention it was 4:30am) my mind had thoughts careening off the wall the instant I woke up.  Probably continued from a dream – who knows? I started composing all of these vignettes in my mind and like someone hopped up on meth I thought they were genius.  Really, maybe I was in a fugue state where I am actually a genius, or phasing in and out of an alternate world.  It would be cool to be a genius or maybe not because a lot of them seem to be fucked up in some way.  Although I don’t have much room to talk since I’m fucked up and I’m not a genius.

Anyway, as you can see my mind circles around like the water in a toilet bowl pushing unwanted debris to somewhere unknown.  I do know where it ends up but I don’t want to go there.  So circling around, I start writing this although I never “journal” as they call it.  I have a blog (that no one actually looks at because it’s silly and I’ve made no effort to get any visitors.) The blog was created as a potential social media addition to an Android App I made. Well I didn’t make it I paid someone to make it.  It was silly and one of the many entrepreneurial failures I have under my belt. There’s a long list of them.  After this last one I finally figured out that I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I can talk about that at another time or maybe not because I may never touch this document again.  I’ll save it on my hard drive and eventually delete it wondering what the hell it is.  Actually I may post it on the blog, maybe the 3 people that follow it might read it.  It’s called Cat-o-rama because it’s really a collection of pictures where I’ve comped cat heads on humans or posted someone else’s amusing versions.  I know there is a small community of us that think this is hilarious. Of course if I post this rambling essay and you are actually reading it you already know this. That is what my Android app does – lets you put cat heads on your photos and save them.  Apparently, not that many people want to do that, and certainly not more than one time. Unfortunately I had an idea that I thought was super funny and ran with it. Spent lots of money and then figured out that I should have done at least 5 minutes of market research to see if anyone wanted yet another photo editor app.  The tons of “funny” photo editor apps out there already should have been a sign.

I haven’t posted a cat on this blog in a while because all of my efforts have been focused on getting gainful employment.  Holy crap, it’s taken a long time to get an offer.  In the last 10 months I’ve sent out over 300 resumes. This is yet another example of my career failure. I have a conglomeration of skills that make me an expert at nothing.  I’ve found in this job search that companies are looking for experts in 4 or 5 different disciplines.  I’m personally wondering who these super people are.  I’m pretty darn good in one discipline and those skills should carry over to a lot of industries but I’m not an expert in any one industry. The majority of my experience has been production coordination of large animation projects, movies or TV specials.  That is currently a crapfest employment option for me. So now I’ve got a new job in a non-creative industry and I hope I can tolerate it.  I’ve always considered non-animation jobs “real jobs”.  I’ve had multiple “real jobs” in my long career and I’ve never enjoyed them.  Also unlike most people, as my career continues I’ve ended up with my salary incrementally going down instead of up.  I’m making less money now than I made in 2000. I don’t know, I shouldn’t complain.   This has happened to some of the other folks I know.  For me, compiled with all my other failures it just enhances my failure aura. Good lord this little essay is depressing but hey, I suffer from depression which is another story to tell.  Maybe I will write about it, who knows.  I used to be a funny person and I laughed often.  I’m planning on getting that back in the near future. Also, in case you haven’t noticed I’m not a very good writer either.

Just to keep the theme here’s a cathead picture. He looks a little sad and introspective which is where I’m living at this moment.

kraft zarc cat image - awesome

Oh, and one more thing, I don’t know crap about blogging, maybe I’ll learn and someone might see this.