Yesterday was a better day. I felt more positive and I feel pretty good now. The fact that my emotions go up and down so much you’d think that I’d be bi-polar or manic but I have it on good authority that I’m not. My emotional problems seem pretty bad to me. I feel sorry for anyone who has it worse. I can’t imagine how these people get through the damn day. I still feel the cloud of despair but it’s way up high, it’s still sending some “you’re a big ass failure” messages but I’m able to shove ’em away. One of the mindfulness techniques I’ve been taught was to imagine yourself somewhere that made you happy and see your bad thoughts and worries flying away like balloons or butterflies. It sounds like hokey bullshit and I’m really not a balloons and butterflies gal. I did it though, I imagined a T-Rex eating my bad thoughts which made it a little more fun. I enjoyed seeing them try to catch the bad thoughts with their tiny arms. Anyway, this was reduced down to “chomp chomp” which I now think when a stray bad thought comes along. This and “the past is the past and I accept it” are my most useful tools so far. Unfortunately when the depression demon cloud is right on top of me those techniques can fly right out the window. They have taken root enough that lately they’ve been coming out to help me when a meltdown occurs but it’s usually after I’ve gone way down. It would be nice for them to pop in before the meltdown takes hold. On a day where I’m strong they keep the black cloud of doom from descending down and pelting bird shit on my parade.
I have a phone interview today for a job I would like much better than the one I’m waiting to start. I usually do pretty good on phone interviews but then bomb on the face to face interviews. I don’t know if it’s just anxiety or I make the shittiest first impression in the world. I’m a big person – how’s that for a PC term. Now in my mind I refer to myself as all the hurtful things I’ve been called over the years – and others I’ve heard from media and such. Lardass is the one I use most frequently because it does makes me laugh a little. But it’s only OK for me to use it, if it comes from someone else it’s very hurtful. Because of that I understand the PC thing but I also understand that at times unPC can be funny. I’m torn between the hurtful and funny. Many comedians say “you’ve gotta go for the laugh”. Sometimes I do but I really hate it when it’s directed at me personally. There was a billboard for a gym in LA that showed aliens attacking or something like that and it said “don’t worry, they’ll eat the fat people first”. I though that was hilarious but there was a big stink about it. I guess it’s not much different as saying they’ll eat the black people first, or hispanics, asians, etc. Those would not be funny to me. Well, I digress. I was talking about my shitty first impression, I think some of those impressions were due to my size, certainly not all of them. It really irritates me because any job interview I’ve had face to face I knew I could do the job – hell none of them have required rocket science. I’ve always wondered after, hey I could obviously do that job…does this mean that they don’t like ME! How can they not like me, I’m fucking hilarious, I’m a constant fucking delight! I generally feel that way about myself which is bizarre because I have so many self-esteem issues. The real truth is sometimes I’m funny and a delight to be around yet other times I’m the Holy Mother fuckity shit bitch or Calamity Jane. I suspect that behavior comes from this controlling my emotions problem. It may be hard to believe but I’m shy when I’m meeting new people so a face to face interview is like having the door slammed shut on the iron maiden. Those spikes just gut me. The worst is when you have to be interviewed by a group, that is inhumane. All of this pressure turns my brain into a lighting storm. Coherent thoughts have a hard time making it to my mouth, I’m sure I have spewed out nonsense. So this ends my life with depression/cat fun post for today. Here’s your cat.
anthropomorphic cats are also fucking hilarious