Bitchiness usually has an underlying reason

I’ve had a good morning so far although it’s only 10:30 who knows might happen.  I see my therapist today so I can relay the crazy periods to her and we can figure out what can be done to counteract them.  Sometimes it’s just a personal cheerleading session which I must admit, I really need from time to time.  Most of the time I can make her laugh which is always good therapy for me.  The last couple of times I’ve gone I’ve just been cranky since the job offer was not what I was hoping.  After 10 months of serious job hunting, high anxiety,  fighting through some unpleasant realizations about myself and sometimes thinking “I’m old, why the fuck keep trying at this” I really wanted and needed a better outcome. Well, I should be happy I got any offer, it’s money isn’t it, who cares if I know it will be a soul sucking job, I can really work on being content wherever I am, I can keep looking for something better. I’ve heard this from several well meaning people. Well dammit, I know all this is true when I use my rational mind.  I know it’s just a pitstop and I can change it. I know that I can keep looking for something that will be more rewarding. The thing is, motherfucker, I wanted it to be better NOW! Shit has been hard the last few years and I just wanted a break.  I wanted to end up with something I really wanted, something that might help me advance in the future, or maybe good enough that it didn’t shrink my soul. Yes it was good news, however it was a gigantic disappointment. GIGANTIC!  So the dark cloud descended and I was cranky and unable to see the good over the bad. Just keeping the general feeling of the shitty status quo. I probably don’t deserve better.  Some people thought I was being a selfish baby, or thinking that I believe I’m entitled to something better, extremely negative, or that I’m just an ungrateful whiny bitch. No, I was just disappointed and it damaged my calm.  Sure I bitchy about it. Other people understood all these feelings so when they said the same things it didn’t irritate the shit out of me because I know that they know how I feel. I am feeling better now or maybe I’m just resigned to my fate. I have had a promising phone interview so maybe something will come of that. Actually, since I still don’t have a start date it’s almost like I don’t have this mythical job.  Although, I’ve taken a break from sending out resumes – that’s going to have to change.

Man I just wrote an agonizing paragraph and I realized that I needed to change my profile picture to something other than me…I sound crazy and I want to remain incognito – I’ve probably missed some internet something so If you wanted to find out who I am it probably wouldn’t be that hard.  So unfortunately I forgot to save my draft so it’s all gone.  It’s a good thing I guess because it will give me something to talk about next time.

I did get a few phone calls and I have a start date for my job.  I guess I passed the background check and was clean from that birthday pot.  I also got called in for an interview for a job I really want. I want to be really positive about it but then I also don’t want to get my hopes too high.  If I don’t get the better job I’d like to avoid the crash and burn. I’m going to be positive yet detached…is that possible.

Well, here’s your cat

Meow or Never

New Wave Laser Cats should be a real movie.   New wave laser cats: meow or never –NeatoShop.


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