I’ve had a good morning so far although it’s only 10:30 who knows might happen. I see my therapist today so I can relay the crazy periods to her and we can figure out what can be done to counteract them. Sometimes it’s just a personal cheerleading session which I must admit, I really need from time to time. Most of the time I can make her laugh which is always good therapy for me. The last couple of times I’ve gone I’ve just been cranky since the job offer was not what I was hoping. After 10 months of serious job hunting, high anxiety, fighting through some unpleasant realizations about myself and sometimes thinking “I’m old, why the fuck keep trying at this” I really wanted and needed a better outcome. Well, I should be happy I got any offer, it’s money isn’t it, who cares if I know it will be a soul sucking job, I can really work on being content wherever I am, I can keep looking for something better. I’ve heard this from several well meaning people. Well dammit, I know all this is true when I use my rational mind. I know it’s just a pitstop and I can change it. I know that I can keep looking for something that will be more rewarding. The thing is, motherfucker, I wanted it to be better NOW! Shit has been hard the last few years and I just wanted a break. I wanted to end up with something I really wanted, something that might help me advance in the future, or maybe good enough that it didn’t shrink my soul. Yes it was good news, however it was a gigantic disappointment. GIGANTIC! So the dark cloud descended and I was cranky and unable to see the good over the bad. Just keeping the general feeling of the shitty status quo. I probably don’t deserve better. Some people thought I was being a selfish baby, or thinking that I believe I’m entitled to something better, extremely negative, or that I’m just an ungrateful whiny bitch. No, I was just disappointed and it damaged my calm. Sure I bitchy about it. Other people understood all these feelings so when they said the same things it didn’t irritate the shit out of me because I know that they know how I feel. I am feeling better now or maybe I’m just resigned to my fate. I have had a promising phone interview so maybe something will come of that. Actually, since I still don’t have a start date it’s almost like I don’t have this mythical job. Although, I’ve taken a break from sending out resumes – that’s going to have to change.
Man I just wrote an agonizing paragraph and I realized that I needed to change my profile picture to something other than me…I sound crazy and I want to remain incognito – I’ve probably missed some internet something so If you wanted to find out who I am it probably wouldn’t be that hard. So unfortunately I forgot to save my draft so it’s all gone. It’s a good thing I guess because it will give me something to talk about next time.
I did get a few phone calls and I have a start date for my job. I guess I passed the background check and was clean from that birthday pot. I also got called in for an interview for a job I really want. I want to be really positive about it but then I also don’t want to get my hopes too high. If I don’t get the better job I’d like to avoid the crash and burn. I’m going to be positive yet detached…is that possible.
Well, here’s your cat