In a discussion with a friend I was trying to explain depression – or how my depression effects me. I found it annoying that I couldn’t place a name to my particular situation. According to my therapist I’ve got no syndrome or disorder other than depression. So my response was “lets name it the fuckall syndrome” because this fucker needs some kind of name that I toss out when I’m discussing it that makes it bona fide. Then she said “You have trouble controlling your emotions” well fuck, I’ve had that my entire life. No wonder it’s been a miasma of misery. I do know that the depression and inability to control my emotions has gotten much worse in the last 10 years. Looking back that emotion thing has caused severe problems in relationships with everyone I know (except my beautiful Mother who I miss every day.) I’m really a fun person to be around or I wouldn’t have the friends I have. Actually I have to revise that, when I was younger I made incredibly close friends that love me unconditionally and will put up with my emotional bag of bullshit. I was much more fun to be around in those days. I also have friends that love me but as I’ve gotten more withdrawn and crazy those relationships dry up, crack, and flake away. I think one day I’ll be able to revive them but it will require the energy to do it. Occasionally I made a huge donkey of myself and what seemed to be unconditional love turns to conditional love. That is the hardest, when that relationship has been a calming influence and then you feel you have to be on your best behavior. That is exhausting and misunderstandings hurt much more. Mainly because you don’t know when the conditional thing is going to cross over the edge and you are going to be discarded to the old friend heap. I understand it, who wants to have someone in their life that brings you down, bores you to death, or damages your calm. I get that but I hate it that my screwed up brain and emotions make me behave like an unpleasant jackass that won’t stop kicking the shit out of myself or other people. Generally I’m a direct person, I don’t like circling around the issue – just get to the point. People have described it as blunt, telling like it is, bitchy, blah, blah. That has gotten me fired numerous times. I’ve got to remake myself at this new job, which I’ve been working at this last year. I can’t really test it until I actually get to work which is scary. I’ll be testing it soon. I’ll try to keep an update going on my progress. It’s dicey though because this depression/anxiety is really screwing with me.
My depression seems to come in waves. Unfortunately I’ve also got the anxiety to deal with as well. I’ve been in a high state of anxiety that has grown exponentially worse as the months have passed by. I think it overshadowed my depression and it has made me jittery as a cat raised by a passive agressive with tourettes. I got a part time job at a marketing firm which paid well and I was very excited about it because that is an area I am very interested in getting into. Not as fun as entertainment but still a creative environment and new things to learn. The day I was supposed to start the agency lost one of their major clients so I was no longer needed. It was like here’s a job, psyche – just foolin’ the cosmic forces just sunk my lifeboat (just a note – I would have made more money on that part time job than I will make on this new full time job – that’s a kick in the head). Like a rubber band stretched as far as it can, my anxiety snapped. I’ve explained it using the movie “Clue” as an example. A group of mysterious characters are locked in a house where multiple murders keep them screaming, panicked, and running around hysterically. There’s a scene where the french maid is killed in the billiard room. The characters walk in, look at her body, show no emotion at all then turn around and walk out. The therapist called that “detached” It is a good thing to become detached from your anxiety however the long term effect has left your psyche as if it were pounded consistently with a bag of hammers.
So I’ve gotten an offer – I can’t really call it a job because I haven’t been given a start date and there are factors that may cause it to be yanked away. I have been hoping that I would get a position that would pay me enough to cover my expenses with hopefully a little extra so I can get ahead. No such luck, it’s a little less than what it will take to cover my expenses so I’ve been searching for a part time job to go with the potential job I already have. I’m also looking for a better full time job so my job searching work has actually doubled. What the Fuck, what a shitty development! Sorry for the bad language, a guy I worked with once told me I had the foulest mouth he’s ever heard in his life. I’m sure it was a bummer to sit by me for almost 2 years.
So circling around to the point I had in mind…depression sort of hangs around like a gray cloud of doom. You can feel it hovering above you. You don’t want to do anything, you don’t want to bathe, you can’t see the point of anything. It’s just waiting for an incident to completely envelope you and cause a breakdown, uncontrollable crying, a cascade of horribleness, the tapes of every sad, bad, awful things you’ve ever done or experienced. Waves of self pity, desire to run away, to hurt yourself or maybe someone else, to destroy inanimate objects, hatred, anger, disgust, rage, misery, schadenfruede, nastiness, and any other word that describes horror, terror, rage and abject fear. This is what happens when I have a meltdown but take all of that emotional shit and imagine it all happening at the same time. I feel like my head is going to explode, I get hot, I can feel a physical sensation racing through my body. I’m crying, my nose is running and I need to hide. I never understood why some people with mental issues cut themselves. Lately I’ve experienced meltdowns that have explained it all. You want some kind of physical pain to distract you from the mental pain you are feeling. I get it, I’ve thought about doing it.
I’ve learned some tools to use to help myself from going over the edge and causing real physical harm to myself. I need to increase my abilities to use these tools. They help me talk myself down to the point that I remember that I also have medication that will help. In the middle of the overwhelming stew of emotional trauma you can forget that you have anything at all that will help you. I’m lucky that I’ve been able to realize during these meltdowns that I do have tools and I can use them. So hey, that ends on a positive note, right?
I hope it perks you up after that terrible tirade. Wow public school – there’s a subject that has a lot of bullshit to play with.