High Anxiety

5:30 am – not such a bad time to wake up – of course I went to bed a little late.  It would be good if I could easily wake up at 5:30 when I start my new job. Then I can do my workout before going to work (instead of not doing it at all.)  I’ve been fighting increased depression all week which seems silly since I’ve finally landed a job. I’m not that excited about it but at least I will finally get paid.  I’ve worked very hard the last five years but all I’ve done is spend money instead of making it. In 2011 I finished my last gig at an animation studio here and then I had to move to my hometown and take care of my Mother as she lost the battle to emphysema. Luckily, she had the money that I could take care of her and pay for help because I don’t think I could have done it alone.  That’s just part of the story.  My life has been shit for the last five years. Not that it was that great before but the last 5 years have been shit with raisins.

I’ve been battling high levels of depression and anxiety as opposed to the lower levels of depression and anxiety that I experienced before 2011. The process of losing my Mother was hard though I had many great people that rallied around me and helped me through it.  I was alone in making all the care decisions and I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I had already lost my Dad and my Sister so when Mom was gone I was left an orphan. Everybody goes through it at some time or another. If you still have your siblings or a family of your own I imagine it would be less terrifying but that was not the case with me. Ah, it’s terrifying for everyone I’m no special case except in my own mind.

I haven’t started the new job because of the pre-crap they have to do before I can start; A drug test, background test, paperwork approval at corporate, and a pint of blood for the head vampire. I took a few tokes of weed 2 weeks ago (don’t judge, it was my birthday and one of the 2 times a year I smoke pot.) Hope that shit is out of my system before I took the pee test. Anyway, the 10 month job search was a nightmare of anxiety as my money was running out.  I made some super bad decisions in the last two years.  One of my daily affirmations is “the past is the past, and I accept it”. This is supposed to teach  me to quit mentally kicking myself for being a complete moron. I’ve always thought daily affirmations were new age claptrap or silly like “Daily Affirmations with Jack Handy” and “gosh darn I love myself.”  Actually, that stupid shit does work as long as you keep saying it you kind of believe it. But, for the last year I’ve been flipping between high anxiety and depression and sometimes both.  A year of interviews and complete rejection wear you down.  This anxiety was not the fun Mel Brooks kind, I imagine my life as that homage to Hitchcock in “High Anxiety” running through the park with birds shitting all over me. And even when I take shelter there’s a hole in the roof and the shit is still pelting me in the head. I like to associate this mental crap to funny situations, it doesn’t make it any less severe but it makes the story better later.  I think of myself as the T-Rex, majestic, powerful, but with such tiny arms they’re useless.  I’m sure it didn’t cause a problem for the actual T-Rex because she didn’t need to take selfies or get something from a high cabinet. It just symbolizes having great potential but lacking the ability to pull the switch.  So, I have a new job, shitty pay, and 2 weeks to wait around before I start. Also, trying to figure out how I will make it financially and will I ever get ahead.  Obviously, I’m still looking for a job where I can actually use the more specialized knowledge I have – it would most likely have a much better pay scale. So ends the second rambling, self-involved blog post.  Honestly, no one will ever read it and they’d probably find more interest in the dumb cats anyway.

Faculty at Mr. Whiskers University
Faculty at Mr. Whiskers University

Man, I think this is funny.  I don’t know who did it but it looks like they spent a lot of time on it. If anyone knows who’s responsible for this let me know – I’d give them a shout out for sure.

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